SMILING:
"A smile is the lighting system of the face, the cooling system of the head and the heating system of the heart."
Posts tagged: personal
I’m debating whether to make another tumblr, but create it on a more personal level. (So it would be heavy on lacrosse, fitness and writing).
I want to make it really more like a real blog and my journal kind of thing. Probably going to separate it from this though.
I don’t know what’s stopping me. Lol. I just keep juggling the idea around in my head.
Hmm..
I’ve been so busy lately with just school and lacrosse. Obviously, I’m absolutely loving every bit of lacrosse. I just played last night and the entire day today at a tournament and I had a lot of fun. But lately, I’ve been feeling..off. /: I don’t know how to explain it really. It’s like I’m not myself yet here I am living this life of student athlete. Also, I haven’t been feeling as close to God as I get carried away with such a hectic schedule. I feel like I’m losing myself. Not in a suicidal or depressed sort of way, but like I feel as if I’m not really here anymore. It’s just me and my body. No soul. But I’m enjoying everything as it goes. Idk. I’m not sure how to explain it. I must be tired that I don’t even know anymore what I’m doing in my life.
I’ve also been having these kind of extremely self-aware moments. Where it’s like I’m just sitting there, say in the car or I’m walking to class, and I realize these weird things. Like, those dramatic or deep posts you see. How life is really short. Or how we’re never really not moving because we’re living on a planet that revolves around the sun in a universe that may be moving around another something. Or, like the other day, I got really self conscious about my religion. It made me think, why MUST you have a religion? Why can’t things just be simple and people just be nice and good? My friend brought up a good point when I was wondering what agnostic exactly meant. She explained her view as that there’s a lot of good things in all the religions and beliefs, but she doesn’t want to be tied down to just one. So I just think back on that and just agree. But at the same, I know in my mind God is there. I know in my mind that He is the way. But I don’t know why, and I don’t understand what’s happening with me lately at all, but I just feel so lost. Not just with my religion but at school I just feel dead from lacrosse and stressed from all the tests and crap. And today, I loved playing, but I hate myself as a player today. A while ago I thought it was a good play today because I was aggressive and put myself out there, but I feel like I wasn’t myself. I was angry and at the last minute of the game, I actually screamed. I look back on it now and I sort of cringe. I don’t want to be that player that seems so dramatically pissed on the field. I don’t know. But at the same time, I had reasons to be frustrated at the game. It was extremely hot and I get all pissy in the heat, the players were a piss off and I felt tired, and so my game was starting to falter a bit. So I had internal struggles during the game. Well at least that’s how I feel about it now when I look back on the last few minutes of the game.
I don’t know. I don’t understand what’s going on around me or in me right now for the last two or three weeks.
I just want to take a step back and refocus on God first, then everything is supposed to fall in place right? But no. I don’t have that opportunity on the weekend because AP world takes up the time that I could be using to rest. It’s a CRAP load of work to the point that I’m getting really really frustrated with the education system overall. Ugh. Whatever. I just want to stop taking AP World, AP English, Zero period Ceramics. Math is bearable at the moment, it’s surprisingly the only moderate class and work load I have. Same with bio. Spanish is easy and okay. Lacrosse, I love. I just don’t want to be the player that I hate to see/be.
personal struggles as you can see. Sorry for the long rant and everything…
Can someone please leave me a message if I’m not the only one going through something like this. I have no one to talk to about it nearby. Idk what to do. I’m utterly and completely lost and I want to cry.
OMG FACEBOOK. ALL THESE PEASANTS. I’M DYING. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I feel like crying because my Dad’s eating a sandwich and I’m just here lying on the couch with puffy cheeks and a sore jaw. :|
Today, June 25, 2012, Tamara joins the Lord.
I never met her and I prayed all this time that I could meet her when she was finally better and out of the hospital, but due to complications and other reasons, she was sent to God and now rests in peace.
Our church wrote letters for her to read while she rested in the hospital after her surgery. She had a double lung transplant surgery and it was a success.
After a few days, however, complications happened and she returned to the ER. She was sedated for a few more days so her body can solely focus on healing. That was the last news I heard over Facebook. Until today.
A few months ago, before her surgery, Tamara was engaged to the love of her life, Chad. All of Tamara’s good friends said that she was nothing but positive and trusting of the Lord. She never once complained or asked why it had happened or why it happened toherof all people. Tamara remained strong all throughout and she had many people loving her and just praying for her.
I just wanted to share this story with anyone who is going through or has been through something like this. It’s hard, but everything gets better. Just stay strong.
Remember that love is like the wind, you can’t see it - but you can feel it. (A Walk to Remember with Mandy Moore and Shane West)
We will always remember Tamara. <3
I actually make the effort of cleaning up my Tumblr.
Such as now, I just cleaned up the people I follow. I decided that maybe I was just following too many, so I unfollowed a bunch that are either inactive, unused or just something that I don’t find as interesting as I first did.
A lot of the users that I follow now were from when I first got Tumblr and it was like a Pandora box that opened up for me. Except, there was a lot more good stuff than bad. Rarely any bad.
So, yeah. That was almost a year ago by now. So if I unfollowed you and you were following me - I’m sorry, I really don’t mean to offend.
I’ll be willing to check out blogs later on though :)
Anyways. I care more about my Tumblr’s appearance than Facebook. I actually make a lot of effort to keep it at a good shape.
As for my Facebook, there’s a bunch of things that I liked before I found Tumblr. Such as those “That awkward moment..” likes and all that useless stuff. Now that Facebook has updated and updated, my likes are showing up on my News Feed. Like, my goodness. Why? But there’s too many things that I’ve liked to unlike and clean up.
The only thing that I care more about on my Facebook is just the photos and the stuff I say and who I’m friends with.
Oh, that reminds me. I deleted a bunch of people as my friends on Facebook because they just updated every minute of every day of their life. Every 10 minutes there was a new status from them, such as “Omg..The pool was so much fun, hahahahaahahahahah [tag name] x 10” then not even half an hour later, “OMG almost fell down the stairs again hahaha you saw that [name]”. 80 comments, half of them aren’t even sentences.
*shrugs* Others I just deleted as friends because we weren’t really friends to begin with. Nothing personal. Really.
Life goes on.
Go dig in my Ask box, anon’s always open.
Later gator.
-K.
Read my Tumblr, listen to the music I listen to - you’ve got access to my feelings & thoughts.
So perfect. That’s me right now.
A lot of things/worries have been coming to mind lately and I’m just feeling scared. The worry just built into fear.
I don’t like feeling this way. I thought it was just normal, feeling a little down since everyone gets their ups and downs, right? But it was little things that piled up together and grew into this massive pile that I now call fear.
So now I’m scared of a lot of things, I’m just itching to get away from whatever - mainly school. There’s so much crap there, it’s such a two-faced crap. One class, I’ll tolerate, another class I’ll completely suffer, one class I’ll be okay in, one awkward class, then one ish class.
Then there’s my classmates. Stupid, uncaring, hypocritical morons.
Then I woke up to the real world, where you were still alive.
