I’ve been so busy lately with just school and lacrosse. Obviously, I’m absolutely loving every bit of lacrosse. I just played last night and the entire day today at a tournament and I had a lot of fun. But lately, I’ve been feeling..off. /: I don’t know how to explain it really. It’s like I’m not myself yet here I am living this life of student athlete. Also, I haven’t been feeling as close to God as I get carried away with such a hectic schedule. I feel like I’m losing myself. Not in a suicidal or depressed sort of way, but like I feel as if I’m not really here anymore. It’s just me and my body. No soul. But I’m enjoying everything as it goes. Idk. I’m not sure how to explain it. I must be tired that I don’t even know anymore what I’m doing in my life.

I’ve also been having these kind of extremely self-aware moments. Where it’s like I’m just sitting there, say in the car or I’m walking to class, and I realize these weird things. Like, those dramatic or deep posts you see. How life is really short. Or how we’re never really not moving because we’re living on a planet that revolves around the sun in a universe that may be moving around another something. Or, like the other day, I got really self conscious about my religion. It made me think, why MUST you have a religion? Why can’t things just be simple and people just be nice and good? My friend brought up a good point when I was wondering what agnostic exactly meant. She explained her view as that there’s a lot of good things in all the religions and beliefs, but she doesn’t want to be tied down to just one. So I just think back on that and just agree. But at the same, I know in my mind God is there. I know in my mind that He is the way. But I don’t know why, and I don’t understand what’s happening with me lately at all, but I just feel so lost. Not just with my religion but at school I just feel dead from lacrosse and stressed from all the tests and crap. And today, I loved playing, but I hate myself as a player today. A while ago I thought it was a good play today because I was aggressive and put myself out there, but I feel like I wasn’t myself. I was angry and at the last minute of the game, I actually screamed. I look back on it now and I sort of cringe. I don’t want to be that player that seems so dramatically pissed on the field. I don’t know. But at the same time, I had reasons to be frustrated at the game. It was extremely hot and I get all pissy in the heat, the players were a piss off and I felt tired, and so my game was starting to falter a bit. So I had internal struggles during the game. Well at least that’s how I feel about it now when I look back on the last few minutes of the game.
I don’t know. I don’t understand what’s going on around me or in me right now for the last two or three weeks.
I just want to take a step back and refocus on God first, then everything is supposed to fall in place right? But no. I don’t have that opportunity on the weekend because AP world takes up the time that I could be using to rest. It’s a CRAP load of work to the point that I’m getting really really frustrated with the education system overall. Ugh. Whatever. I just want to stop taking AP World, AP English, Zero period Ceramics. Math is bearable at the moment, it’s surprisingly the only moderate class and work load I have. Same with bio. Spanish is easy and okay. Lacrosse, I love. I just don’t want to be the player that I hate to see/be.
personal struggles as you can see. Sorry for the long rant and everything…
Can someone please leave me a message if I’m not the only one going through something like this. I have no one to talk to about it nearby. Idk what to do. I’m utterly and completely lost and I want to cry.